A Letter to the Couples Who Sit on the Same Side of the Restaurant Booth

Dear couples who sit on the same side of the booth at the restaurant,

Just stop it.

No seriously, just stop. You’re embarrassing yourself. You may be trying to declare to the world that you’re madly in love, but you’re just making yourself look bad. I almost feel like you’re playing a game with the general public called “Let’s see how awkward we can make everyone else feel.” And you’re winning.

And don’t use the excuse, “It’s a double date and we’re waiting on another couple.” You’ve been canoodling in that booth for the past 45 minutes. And besides, couples like you who shamelessly snuggle in a public restaurant are too inwardly focused and socially isolated to hang out with other couples.

But fear not, because I have been studying you from afar—not in an awkward way (at least, not as awkward as you). I’ve began to pick up on a trend. I’ve noticed something about you couples—couples who make me lose my lunch and my faith in humanity. Here’s my verdict:

The couples who sit on the same side of the restaurant booth are the couples that don’t last.

You may see them snuggling together in the booth today, but tomorrow they’ll be snuggling their tear-soaked pillow alone (or snuggling in another restaurant booth with the next available hottie).

Why do the “same side sitters” not last? Because what you display in public is only a shadow of what you’re doing in private. If you’re willing to shamelessly grope each other in a public restaurant, anything is fair game in private. And couples who focus way too much on the physical don’t last. Your relationship will be much better off sitting across from each other and looking into each other’s eyes and conversing with each other and learning more about each other and becoming scholars of each other. If your relationship is truly worth it to you, you’ll invest in more than just the physical.

Is it possible to sit with your significant other on the same side of the table and not be creepy, awkward or a public nuisance? Yes, I suppose so, if you are able to conduct yourselves in a decent manner. Just keep it G—there’s kids in the restaurant. And it’s just hard for me to enjoy my chicken patty melt when you’re sucking face in the booth across from me.

So restaurant booth couples, I’m calling you out! Here’s what I’m going to do next time I see you cuddling at the table. I’m going to slip into the empty side of the booth across from you, stare at you creepily, and start eating your fries. Feel awkward yet? Good! Because that’s how you’re making everyone else in the restaurant feel—awkward.

Sincerely, Robby (and everyone else)

What do you think about restaurant couples who sit in the same side of the booth? Feel free to leave a response in the comments below!